We were sent through the Suggestions feature of the site a request for advice for a couple in a long-distance relationship. We are happy to provide some tips.

When a man and woman are in a long-distance relationship (LDR), it may be the courtship phase before marriage and the two individuals are in different cities or even different countries; or it may be a a married couple dealing with a short or long temporary long-distance relationship due to studies or work. Whatever the reason, being apart is challenging. There are practical and creative things the couple can do to make the time enjoyable, beneficial, and rewarding.

1. Make daily communication a priority. It doesn’t have to always be a phone call and there will certainly be days where one or both of you is especially busy and can’t spend an hour on the phone. But you can send an email or text message or use an instant messenger program. Using skype, the free video chat service, makes you feel like you are right next door or in another room. If one or both don’t have webcams, invest in these inexpensive devices that allow you to close the distance between you. Oftentimes couples who are living in the same house start to take communication for granted and don’t spend special time talking, sharing, exchanging ideas, and so on. So really make your daily communication something special and meaningful.



2. Send your partner flowers or a gift. This can be a real lift-me-up when your partner receives something unexpected in the mail. The fact that you took the time to choose a gift or a bouquet of beautiful flowers and accompanied it with a lovely personal note is a wonderful way to keep the connection strong. If you are in different countries, can’t send real flowers, or don’t have the money to send a gift or bouquet, there is a great website, Flowers2mail.com, where you can send a virtual bouquet of flowers. It’s really fun because you choose a vase, choose all your colors, select and arrange the flowers, write a card, and send it by email. Doesn’t have to cost a penny. It’s the thought and the time that you took to create and send the bouquet that makes your special someone feel cherished.



3. Choose a book to read together. This can literally be "reading together" on skype, for example, or it can be decided that you will both read a chapter (or two pages or whatever the two of you decide) each day (or week). This makes the two of you feel synchronized and engaged in an activity together. It also creates lots of potential for discussion and sharing of ideas. This could be the Qur’an, a book about Islam, a non-fiction book about some subject you both like, a novel, or any other agreed-upon choice. This is a great way to stay close, grow and explore together, and stay intellectually engaged.



4. Choose a movie that you both want to see. You can schedule a time ahead that you will both watch the movie. If you are in the US, you can rent the same movie or access a streaming movie online. This also opens up potential for conversations and creates a feeling of shared activity and experience.



5. Use the time apart to deepen your relationship and learn more about your partner. This makes the time apart more meaningful and helps to create a positive framework to counterbalance the challenge of separation. You can each write a list of questions that both will answer. You can answer in writing or verbally in conversation. Examples of such questions are as follows:
   
   
   • If you had only one more day to live, what would you do with that time?
   • Is there someone in your life or some historical figure you admire most and why?
   • What are your three favorite foods?
   • What was your biggest disappointment while growing up?
   • What has been the greatest success you’ve ever had?
   
   As you can see, the questions are limitless and the answers can be very revealing and catalysts for making the two of you feel close and connected.



6. Create a shared journal. One of you can write in the journal (a Word document, for example) for a week. Then you email it to your partner to read and take his/her turn writing in it for a week. What’s nice is that this is a different medium and rhythm from the daily phone/email/skype communication and creates an interesting dynamic of its own. It can be very revealing and a deep exploration of two individuals and their independent and interlacing thoughts, ideas, and sometimes it elicits expressions of a deeper soul level of being.



7. Get creative about your time spent on the phone or other medium of communication. For example, you can both take your cell phones outside and gaze at the stars while talking. If one or both of you know the constellations, you can view whatever is visible at the same time. Or you could both set your watch alarms to go off at a particular time of day and then spend one moment thinking about your partner, knowing that he/she is doing the same. This again keeps the connection strong and alive.



8. Decide on an activity that both of you have wanted to do but haven’t found the time or energy or motivation to do. It could be a daily exercise routine, a decision to read a chapter in the Qur’an each evening, spending ten minutes each night before sleeping to review your day and see if there are things you might have done better or if there was something you learned about yourself, someone else, people in general, about Islam, about life, etc., that is noteworthy. During your daily communication, share how you did in the agreed-upon activity. You can also discuss details about your experience, motivate each other to continue, and give each other kudos for any successes, whether big or small.



9. Create a bond and commitment to trusting each other during the time apart. Even couples who ordinarily have a trusting relationship can fall victim to the jealousy trap. Make sure not to be suspicious because your partner doesn’t answer the phone at the appointed time. Of course, if this were a repeated occurrence, you would have to discuss the reasons for this and come to some agreement that prevents this from being a habit. Also be careful not to approach your partner ever as if you are interrogating them, wanting to know what he/she has been doing because you are jealous rather than because you really want to know as a way of sharing and caring. You both must realize that each of you still has a life, a schedule, responsibilities, and challenges; and sometimes a scheduled meeting might be precluded or interrupted by those life demands. The intention of both parties must always be to safeguard the bond, strengthen the trust, and keep the relationship loving and caring. If either one comes across, as a habit or pattern, as wanting to control the other or indulge in jealousy if there is no valid reason for it or in any way create unnecessary drama, that needs to be addressed immediately with honesty and sincerity. Otherwise the relationship will suffer. It’s much easier to safeguard the relationship and do so as a foremost priority than to repair damage after its done.



10. Always keep in mind that the long-distance relationship is temporary. Make the choice to see it in a positive way and individually and together articulate how it can be positive and beneficial. For example, as mentioned above, long-distance relationships predispose communication to be seen and experienced as a cherished means of staying connected. LDRs also facilitate the couple’s capacity for being creative in finding ways to keep the bond strong. These relationships provide opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations, sharing of ideas, challenging each other intellectually, expressing of feelings that are very poignant and heartfelt because of the distance, and so on. Each partner can invest in this positive perspective of the LDR and convey feelings of contentment, gratitude to the other for their investment in the bond, willingness to be patient with the separation, and trust that the partner is just as devoted to the relationship as you are.



11. Most importantly, turn to Allah SWT both individually and as a couple. Ask Him to help you cultivate patience and perseverance during this challenging time. Make du'a to help you as partners, friends, and soulmates to optimize your creativity and resolve to make the time apart a positive experience and a time of individual and shared growth and success.