Imagine if there were a tool that could fix a myriad of human problems? One tool to fix intolerance, cruelty, greediness, stinginess, mercilessness, indifference, and hardheartedness. That versatile and ingenious tool is none other than empathy! We have the capacity, with empathy, to identify with, understand, and care about another person's situation, feelings, and experience of distress. This is at the core of desiring to extend kindness, to comfort, to relieve whenever possible the suffering of another human being. People who are high in empathy have acute awareness of their own emotional reality and are willing and strong enough to enter into the domain of another human being's emotional reality. Only in this way one can assist, lighten burdens, extend benevolence and care, and provide relief.

Discussions about the giving of charity, of being charitable, focus most often on the religious duty to do so. Also important, however, is to focus on the heartfelt inclination to help those in need. That inclination arises out of empathy which is innate to human nature. Some people are very empathic and others must cultivate and nurture greater empathy in themselves.

The experience of empathy for others comes from a heart that is filled with kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness. According to the well-known hadeeth, "A desert Arab once came before the Prophet and asked how many times a day he should pardon his servant. 'Seventy times,' replied the Prophet" (Al-Tirmidhi and Abu Dawood). And in another hadeeth, "Whoever is deprived of rifq (kindness, gentleness, friendliness) is deprived of all virtues" (Muslim). And yet another,"Kindness makes things beautiful; absence of kindness makes things defective" (Muslim).

Feeling empathy for others and desiring to relieve their suffering goes hand-in-hand with fulfilling the religious imperative to give in charity. One can give in any manner — contributing money, volunteering one’s time, utilizing one’s talents and gifts — all these resources hold within them some remedy for addressing the needs of those who struggle with disadvantage, deprivation, or distress.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott wrote a book called Trading Places. They affirm that "When you accurately see any situation from another's point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly take a different approach to it." This is often referred to as "walking in the other person’s shoes." Mahatma Ghandi said, "Three quarters of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world would finish, if people were to put on the shoes of their adversaries and understood their points of view."

Consider the following, modified from a true story related by a faith-based group in St. Louis:

One winter day a group of people were meeting at a local community center. They were citizens who were concerned about the growing number of homeless individuals in their city and they were meeting in an impoverished part of town, discussing various ideas about how they could effectively help those in need. All of sudden the door of the meeting room opened and a old woman, bent with fatigue and wearing ragged clothing, entered. The meeting leader asked, "May I help you?" The woman apologized for interrupting them and then said, "I wonder if you can tell me where the nearest Salvation Army center is. I need to go there and see if I can get a pair of shoes." The meeting leader had already noticed that the woman’s shoes were full of holes and falling apart. She asked the woman, "What size do you wear?" "Eight and a half," answered the woman. The leader bent down and took off one of her shoes and said, "Please sit here and try this on." The needy woman said, "Oh, I couldn’t do that, those are brand new shoes." The leader gently encouraged her to try them on and the woman slipped on the shoes and a slight smile appeared on her face as she quietly said, almost in a whisper, "They’re so nice and warm." The leader touched her arm and said, "Please consider them yours. I’ve got another pair at home." The poor woman thanked her and as she left she said, "God bless all of you."

After the homeless woman left, everyone was quiet, touched by what they had witnessed. One man in the group said, "But how will you go home? It’s snowing and cold and you don’t have any shoes." The generous woman said, "My socks are thick…and I do have a pair of shoes..." as she put the homeless woman’s worn and torn shoes on her feet. As the group were leaving, one said, "Be careful that you don’t step into icy puddles with those shoes on. They’re full of holes." The woman answered with a smile, "I’ll be careful…now I’ll really know what it’s like to walk in the shoes of a poor, hurting human being."

That’s a benevolent heart!

Walt Whitman, a 19th century American poet, essayist and journalist, wrote, "I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I become the wounded person." We unfortunately are too often involved in relationships that result in wounding. If only we could feel as "the wounded person" feels! When a couple first comes to marriage counseling they are usually each asked to describe the issues that have brought them to counseling. When one spouse is talking, presenting details about their differences, what the main concerns are that are causing the conflict, what the spouse is doing wrong that contributes to the marital problems, they have plenty to say and seem fairly confident about their point of view. When asked "put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and imagine what your spouse is feeling in listening to you", the typical response is silence, a long pause, followed by a floundering, stumbling attempt to answer that question.


Imagine how empathy can bring greater caring, tolerance, and forgiveness to a marriage. When communication gets heated or a conflict arises, remember to PRACTICE empathy. Remember to listen to your spouse without interrupting him/her. Try to sense what your spouse might be feeling, the emotions behind the words. While you may not agree with their point, always validate their feelings. You can say something such as "I understand that you are frustrated…" Always take the approach and maintain an attitude of collaboration, of being allies in problem-solving. You can convey that by saying something like "We can solve this together" or "I really value our relationship and I’m confident we can figure this out."


Remember always that it’s much easier to prevent wounding to your spouse’s heart than to heal hurt feelings and an injured sense of trust in the unity and stability of the relationship.

"Kindness makes things beautiful..."

Empathy comes from a heart that is filled with kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness.