Each day is an opportunity to renew our devotion to striving for purity of heart. That effort not only strengthens the relationship with Allah SWT, it also beautifully magnifies the positive qualities of a healthy and happy marriage relationship. One positive quality of a strong marriage is knowing how to keep the relationship fresh and alive. Toni Coleman, a psychologist and relationship coach, recommends "acting out of character" at appropriate times. She says, "Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship." (Read full article...)
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A verse in the Qur’an relates the incident of a group of women who came to the Prophet pbuh to pledge their loyalty to him and the Message. They were asked to obey the Prophet as long as what he commanded was bil ma’rouf:
“O Prophet! When believing women come to you to take the oath of fealty to you, that they will not associate in worship any other thing whatever with Allah, that they will not steal, that they will not commit adultery, that they will not kill their children, that they will not utter slander, intentionally forging falsehood, and that they will not disobey you any any matter which is bil ma’rouf, then do receive their fealty, and pray to Allah for their forgiveness; for Allah if Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful” (Qur’an 60:12). (Read full article...)
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Dwight D. Eisenhower once said, "Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it." That is leadership through influence rather than leadership through imposed power. Influencing people requires getting them involved, engaged, feeling that they have an invested interest in what is taking place. (Read full article...)
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Research in psychology demonstrates a connection between the therapist’s degree of mindfulness and the quality of the relationship of therapist and client. Therapist traits that have been shown to contribute to successful therapy outcomes for the client are also facets of mindfulness. At the core of a healthy and positive counselor-client relationship is the clinician’s ability to relate to the client. This ability is enhanced through mindfulness which has been defined by researcher Kabat-Zinn as “The awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.” Mindfulness is seen as cultivating qualities such as curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love. These may be considered aspects of the “heart” as distinguished from aspects of cognition. (Read full article...)
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Spouses need to make sure that the marriage partnership is fulfilling and positive for both husband and wife. A marriage cannot endure if only one partner gets his way or demands that her needs, only, be satisfied. One of the worst disasters in marriage is when one spouse always insists on "being right." (Read full article...)
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A woman was married to a man for fifty years. She was very dedicated to her husband and she took care of him in an admirable way, so she thought. Then her husband had a heart attack and spent a week in the hospital. He underwent triple bypass surgery and he was recuperating and just waiting until the doctor considered him well enough to go home. During the week in the hospital, the woman spent every day at the hospital with her husband. As the week progressed, she became aware of something that disturbed her greatly — her husband was incredibly demanding. Not only was he constantly asking for this or that from her, complaining, refusing food that didn't appeal to him, or criticizing how he was being treated, that he shouldn't have to wait for this or that and on and on. Yet not a word of appreciation or thanks. And he was doing the same thing with the nurses. (Read full article...)
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We were sent through the Suggestions feature of the site a request for advice for a couple in a long-distance relationship. We are happy to provide some tips.
When a man and woman are in a long-distance relationship (LDR), it may be the courtship phase before marriage and the two individuals are in different cities or even different countries; or it may be a a married couple dealing with a short or long temporary long-distance relationship due to studies or work. Whatever the reason, being apart is challenging. There are practical and creative things the couple can do to make the time more enjoyable, beneficial, and rewarding. (Read full article...)
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We received through "Ask the Counselor" the following interesting and valuable question:
"I am always confused whenever I read about 'thinking' and 'feeling' with reference to mind and heart. Will you please differentiate between the two?"
The answer to that question is available in the "Ask the Counselor" Q&A in the Intelligent Guidance service. After posting that answer, we received an intriguing followup question:
"In Western psychology, it is said that emotions are triggered from emotional brain (and not from the heart!). I was wondering whether our emotions are triggered from the brain centres rather than from the heart. Also, when the Quran mentions, 'Lahum quloobun laa yafqahoona biha...' (…hearts with which they understand not) – what does this imply? Do we think with our heart or it is just 'metaphorical'?"
We decided to answer these two additional questions as an article in order to explore the issues more in-depth. (Read full article...)
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Walt Whitman, a 19th century American poet, essayist and journalist, wrote, "I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I become the wounded person." We unfortunately are too often involved in relationships that result in wounding. If only we could feel as "the wounded person" feels! When a couple first comes to marriage counseling they are usually each asked to describe the issues that have brought them to counseling. When one spouse is talking, presenting details about their differences, what the main concerns are that are causing the conflict, what the spouse is doing wrong that contributes to the marital problems, they have plenty to say and seem fairly confident about their point of view. When asked "put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and imagine what your spouse is feeling in listening to you", the typical response is silence, a long pause, followed by a floundering, stumbling attempt to answer that question. (Read full article...)
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Part one of this article ended with the following point:
Being judgmental comes from the ego; discernment comes from the heart. When one is bringing to a another person’s attention some shortcoming, if there is any feeling whatsoever of superiority to them; or if one derives any satisfaction about exposing their weakness or fault; or if one indulges in any sort of harshness or belittling, then one is acting out of ego. As in everything, we have to purify our intention when giving feedback or advice, especially to our loved ones, most especially to our children.
So we can continue exploring the point about the importance of purifying our intention and coming from the heart when pointing out others'shortcomings, particularly those of our children. (Read full article...)
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In 2009, the Pew Research Center's Forum on Religion & Public Life surveyed American Christians who left the religious tradition in which they were raised. Various reasons were given for renouncing their religion but many individuals specified their perception that "religious" people are hypocritical or judgmental, and they focus too much on rules (the externals, rituals, and dogma of the teachings). The "religious" people they would have known while growing up were their parents, religious school teachers, and other adults in their religious community. Reflecting on this information, we can recognize a common attribute among the three factors cited: a superficial and ritualistic/legalistic understanding of religion interfaced with failing to be transformed by its teachings. (Read full article...)
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Reflecting on the hadeeth of Um Zaraa which we mentioned in the last article, "Burnt Toast," we see that the principle it conveys is so powerful. The underlying message that Um Zaraa’s husband communicated to her with his words and behaviors was that she was precious and lovable. The truth is that we all want to feel this way. This is supported by research done on what makes relationships successful. According to studies, one of the most powerful aspects of a successful relationship is that the two partners make each other feel good about themselves, they believe in and focus on the spouse’s good qualities, strengths, and accomplishments; and they find all those aspects of the spouse’s personality/character and life activities and aspirations to be positive, pleasing, and enjoyable. In other words, the two partners recognize, celebrate, and bring out the best in each other. (Read full article...)
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We posted a story on our Salaam Hearts facebook page some time back that illustrates how spouses can graciously overlook shortcomings in each other. The story is as follows: "When I was young, my mom and dad sat down to eat breakfast while I was playing nearby. I could tell that my mom had burned the toast, because I could smell it. I wondered what my dad would do — eat the toast or complain. Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me if I was ready for school. I remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite! My mom apologized to my dad For burning the toast and I'll never forget his reply: 'Honey, the toast is just food to fill my stomach but you fill my heart.' He smiled and reached for her hand and I felt like the luckiest child in the world!" (Read full article...)
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There was once a small boy who banged on a drum all day long and nobody could make him stop. A wise man of the village heard about it and came to the boy’s house and told the boy that all the loud banging would harm his hearing. This didn’t do anything to stop the boy so a second wise man came and told him that drum beating would bring him great happiness if he beat the drum only on special occasions. A third offered the parents and the neighbors plugs for their ears. None of these solved the problem. (Read full article...)
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When using Salaam Hearts or any other matching service to search for a spouse, it is important to take a careful and vigilant approach. Certainly, it's imperative to take the time necessary to get to know someone before giving out very personal information. Ask for references if the communication moves to a more serious phase, speak to individuals who have known the potential match for a significant time, and have a chaperon with you when meeting the individual for the first time. These are reasonable and common sense precautions that every member should take. Salaam Hearts does offer the option of chaperon accounts and that can provide an additional degree of protection when any potential match knows that you have someone watching out for your welfare and is overseeing the spouse-selection process. (Read full article...)
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Have you ever tried to lose weight, be more patient, or stop yelling at your kids? These and countless other attempts to improve the quality of our daily lives often come up against a brick wall. We try and try again, over and over — new diet, greater determination to not feel urgent at a slow checkout line at the store, wanting so much to find ways that work better and don't leave us feeling guilty about how we deal with our children when they are loud-and-annoying-but-just-being-kids. (Read full article...)
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Every year, one in five adults in the United States experiences a mental or emotional problem that they are unable to cope with and resolve by themselves. It is not surprising given the complex and fast-paced world we are living in. The following three cases are common examples of problems that warrant help from a counselor (names and details have been changed to protect privacy). Rana was severely depressed when she went for her first counseling session. She felt hopeless about her marriage... (Read full article...)
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Research in the past decade into the theory of intelligence recognizes nine types of intelligence, with cognitive intelligence and emotional intelligence are the main two. Emotional intelligence has been defined by Daniel Goleman in a book, Working with Emotional Intelligence, as "the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships." (Read full article...)
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Being observant requires a mind and heart that are in a state of inquiry. This state of being makes the most of all the senses - seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting - to experience the world. Each encounter is deeply felt, to a profound degree known only to those who "observe" with an attitude of gentle matter-of-factness. Rumi crafts his verse to point us in this direction - "You knock at the door of Reality. You shake your thought wings, loosen your shoulders, and open." (Rumi) (Read full article...)
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A husband and a wife bring to the marriage different backgrounds, experiences, expectations, and views on life. Conflict is inevitable at times as they interact with each other every day and make decisions with regard to their individual lives, their relationship, and their home and family. Marital satisfaction and success can be measured in part by assessing the couple’s ability to handle the common stresses of everyday life and the occurrence of conflicts. Learning healthy conflict resolution techniques is an integral part of acquiring the competency needed for a successful marriage. (Read full article...)
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